Used to it

Every single time I get infuriated just by the slightest comment, it just changes the entire aura. I don't understand why that it is okay if my siblings are allowed to get away with it but not me. Yeah sure I have done alot of fucked up shit in the past, but what stays in the heart as a scar or broken vessel, why can't it be healed. I need to move on. I'm still trying to forget if you need to know. It honestly breaks my heart to see that I am the cause of all of this. It's not normal, I know. But I can no longer be lectured this way. I'm such a fucking sensitive and emotional person. I hate that at times I have to just break down and cry it all out. It helps me sleep and wipe away the guilt. I just can never let myself get used to this. It's like I have bipolar suicidal disorder. I have talked to someone about how I have felt and what I have experienced in the past, but he said it was just me overthinking. I overthink to the extend of the possibilities of other people's death and mine. Like it was a natural thing. Everytime I think about it, it drives me insane. I can't seem to push it away. It's like I deserve all these negative thoughts in my head. As if I have not done so much fucked up shit already. I have already prayed to God or whoever is listening to me, thanking for my family's safety, health, wealth and safetyness at all times. I seem to have let go of what I believed in. Or thought to have believed in. I don't even expect anymore. I'm not okay. I thought I am. But every single time, this happens, I just don't know how to let it go. I don't know. I'm working on myself but I am just not satisfied. I feel like I will never live up to anyone's expectations or I'd be just someone who is easily given up on. This post was just to make me feel even more like crap. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I'm fucking every shit up but I'm not. I'm just overthinking shit that I don't need to. I want to be okay again. I want to be fine. I cannot handle anymore of this unnessary pain.

Golden liquid

Hey! It's a gorgeous Sunday morning and it feels good to be home, sitting on my desk with a pair of headphones on whilst listening to Honne which is literally liquid to my ears. Their music inspires me to aim higher than my goals. Like I am supposed to be somewhere else, I have to do something more than just this life that has been blessfully granted to me. Well, yesterday night, I treated my fam to some bingsu at Beans N Beans cafe at uptown. The caramel popcorn flavored one tasted way better than the chocolate one. In fact, I'm not much of a fan of chocolate. So that was that. In the month of July, here are some pictures just for memories. There was the Hari Raya party at the kindergarten, a friendly badminton match with my mates and baking. Oh I do enjoy baking ever so much. I think I really should explore and work with fondant.

Blessed to have met her. 

Extremely grateful to have them in my life.

Aftermath of playing badminton, had Mr. Dakgalbi and Chatime after with Jess and Yoong.

Baked this two nights ago! :)

That's all for the month of July. Everything is fine. Heh, got a movie to catch with the fam later. I may purposely missed out a few things I would want to mention but I wouldn't want to here. Till then!! Two more weeks to my exam and the GVF. I'm so excited. Really.

Boo!

I don't really know the purpose of holding on to this blog but I guess I have made some important memories with these. I regret deleting those posts where I have ranted and burned. Anyway, life's pretty good. If you stop and try to notice how blessed you are to have the life that has been given to you, yea, life is pretty great. Just home chilling and listening to songs. The weather is as humid and hot till my armpits are feeling slightly sticky. I say the most random stuff but I don't care. Was supposed to go out today but eventually didn't because my plans didn't stick. Was pleasantly surprised that ever since the raya holiday started, I have been quite productive in terms of outings, workouts and reading. Recently went to the gym with yenz at Atria and damn, I love it. It was spacious, and less judgy dodgy people. Really felt the sore and ache the day after. It makes me question myself whether should I sign up for one. But do I really want to spend money on that? I gotta say I'm getting stingy with my spending. Especially when it comes to things that don't matter. Completely regret getting that hermo parcel, such a waste. Thank goodness, I'm working and saving up slowly. Can you believe that it's the month of July? It's so crazy to see that in just a year, everything can change. I believe that I'm on the right path. My family, friends and I haven't been better. I'm pleased with how I look now; I weigh 49kgs right now, I just gotta work on my abs which I have been repeatedly saying. Not forgetting bout my lifestyle choices in my diet ugh. I swear I can never look at meat the same way again, I despise mince meat oh god. Just thinking bout it makes me want to throw up. Working/ pursuing my career and studying. Finished all of my assignments, what's left is just some revision on my lessons plans for my kids and personal health management. By the end of the day, it's all bout time management. Never look back, never give up. Will be doing another board soon. Gotta change my bed sheets soon. Highlights of the past month: donated books, clothes and bags towards charity, decluttered/organized room and clothes, saving smart, bought new glasses, and I moved on. Nothing much really but I feel that this month, well, I got stronger physically and mentally. My face just cmi when others take photos of me but I couldn't care less. Soon, I gotta get a baju kurung for Hari Raya Party, make dinner and desserts, bake apple pie, pierce my ears? I need to stop drinking coffee. Need. To. Stop. Mhm, Pretty soon I gotta workout and do my arts.

Left: Stuff I bought from yesterday's bookfest ( so picky hope the kids love me lmao joke)

Right: Polaroid pics taken with the only Bee I truly appreciate at Publika

Meet & Greet with BubzBeauty in KL!

By the post title, it is clear that I will be writing all bout the meet! I would have to say it wasn't very thought through because my friend and I were supposed to go together, however, she couldn't make it. So I, unfortunately, went alone. I didn't really mind but it got kinda boring waiting in line. Thankfully there were two girls behind me and we started talking hehe. So this was how I got ready. Right after work, I showered and had lunch with my mates at Little Wonton. Got back, changed and "tried" to apply makeup such as BB cream, eyeliner and mascara. Gosh. I fail at it. I poked my eye with the mascara too :( and the eyeliner was just too watery and thin. Gave up and I simply went with a lil bit of concealer and PONY's lipstick in a burgundy shade. It wasn't really obvious because after that first layer, I applied tinted colored lipbalm. Moving on to getting there, my dad was so nice to drop me off at the Kelana Jaya station and so I just sat there for like half an hour. Reached KLCC. Speed walked out to the main entrance and took an Uber which was totally unnecessary because I could have walked :/ lame reason to take the cab is also because it started to drizzle and I was afraid of my safety lmao. I got charged five bucks for that zzz. (waited for the uber for 30 mins smh). Anyway I got there safely and simply just queued for an hour plus? Listening to music and snapchatting lol.

This was just me presenting the gifts I have gotten for her, which was a pair of earrings and notebook. There was a really simple letter too hm..should have written a much longer and more meaningful one.

My voice literally cracked when I talked to her, maybe got even emotional because it was so surreal to meet let alone hug her in person!!! ;_;

She's so genuine and lovely. And so beautiful!!

#1

#2

Our faces were a lil funny because the person who took the pictures told us that she would take a spam of them and I am so eternally grateful for that. The staff were really friendly! 

"Rabbit teeth" and a gorgeous woman next to me.

<3 <3 <3

Hehe

The wait was soooooooooooo worth it. I am really happy to be able to meet her. This was just her asking for my name. She asked me so what's your name? "Jie Xi" and she was so chirpy and cheerful bout it! AHHHHHH. A lil while after that, I waited for my two new friends and we walked back to KLCC together despite the light rain. It was pretty fun. Thankful for my confidence and socializing skills cuz I think I would be miserable and lost to walk myself back to KLCC. We then exchanged our contacts and parted. I had GongCha and some sushi bites for dinner. Went shopping a lil while and bought a headpiece/hairband from Lovisa as they had a sale. Would be wearing that to GVF!!! After that, went back to the LRT stop and back home. My dad picked me up :') <3 That is all! I am just really happy that I got to meet two of absolute favorite YouTubers!! 

Zespri Kiwi Festival + Meeting Cassey Ho !

As I sit down here comfortably on my chair in my room, I can still feel the aches from yesterday's awesome workout. I would really have to thank Cassey for coming down all the way to Malaysia just to hold a class. The playlist she set had me pumping for more. Just being there felt surreal. Seeing her up on stage was unbelievable!! She's even more so genuine and beautiful in person. It amazed me that she is exactly how she is on screen and in reality. Anyway, I had known this event prior three days through my friend Yenz where she was actually supposed to come with me but she overslept. Nevertheless, I enjoyed myself. Made two new friends as well, their names are Mary Ann and Yara who is from Libia. Both of them are so sweet and caring! How we met was pretty funny actually, because as we were waiting in line to have our pictures taken with Cassey at the "Spinning Booth", one of the helpers gave us a light reminder saying that we might not be able to take pictures as the photo session was only to be half an hour long. Hahahah it got me screaming when I actually got to meet and hug her!! Even after the picture, my hands were literally shaking. She's really lovely. 

Was in the second row lmao. I was there around 8AM and people started to place their mats near the stage wtf mad kiasu. But thankfully, I got there early because more and more people started to do the same taking up much space of the open field. Not only that, it started to get really sunny. Even though, I was more towards the area of shade, I still got a lil tanner. I was so silly to think that morning sun was good for me and I don't mind getting some Vitamin D but that tan was obvious. Hopefully it will fade with time.

Just some random picture. Lmao. 

What I had brought, my trusty yoga mat WHICH I HAVE NOT WASHED OMG why and earphones, phone, a pair of shoes which were useless, my jacket, purse and bottle lel.

I LOVE YOU CASSEY HO!!! SO THANKFUL TO BE ABLE TO MEET AND HUG AND TALK TO YOU IN PERSON. YOU'RE AMAZING! STILL SURREAL.

Views

Listening to Drake's latest album on Spotify even though I have downloaded his whole album already. It's ridiculous how I treat everything as a status update when I know no one would be watching or noticing. Anyway, it has been awhile since I last posted here. And happily today is Teacher's Day celebration. I totally did not have any expectations and it kinda kills me to know that I have killed all of that sort of feeling. I just go with the flow; maybe that's what I should be focusing on - the present. And lately I have been watching many YouTube videos, so it makes me feel confident in what I can do. Like the capability in doing my own makeup and hair provided that I actually have the materials and tools lol. Which I don't because everything is so freaking expensive. Not that I need those. I have learnt to be more mindful on what I spend too but hahaha ever since I have received my first pay, I am so grateful. I manage to treat my family to a dinner for Mother's Day celebration at this classy fancy restaurant or bar per say in Ruyi & Lynn located in Bangsar Shopping Center. The food was glorious. Mini and bite-sized but just nice for everyone. The bill was manageable, which I didn't mind at all because it was just that good! Had their signature dish; malaysian cuisine in sushi form such as the nasi lemak, chicken rice and nasi kerabu with mango. Besides that, we had the smoked duck cones, krabi fried chicken, fried rice with scallops and ebiko, and and I forgot. By the time my family and I got there, we just thoroughly enjoyed the food. It was really lovely. Maybe towards me but yea, it was just such a great feeling! Mom too got a rose in the end. A little while after that, my dad treated us all to some pizza and they a.k.a bruh and dad had beer at some italian restaurant. Pizza was awesome as well. I remember that the next day, I think my stomach still didn't have room for another meal hahahhaa. Here are some pictures to go with.

<3 

OOTD

TOP: NICHII

BOTTOMS: ABERCROMBIE & FITCH

As I was saying, today was Teacher's Day so I have gotten some goodies. The one that I was really pleased with was from Yusof, a box with Wondermilk products! Besides, I had some fizzy cola sweets and a fererro rocher chocolate from Ms. Jen. It was a good day? Everyday is a good day, just gets a lil bit tiring. Not that I am complaining at all. I wish I wouldn't talk as much. It just feels like you don't have to cause as much trouble. Lol. I don't even know or understand what I am saying. Just last Saturday was Parent's Teacher's Day (Open Day) it was alright. A lil bit awkward I would have to say. And I also met up with Pn. Devani. She's the best seriously! Treated her son and her to some chocolate brownie, banana chocolate waffle, hot chocolate and for myself I got a latte at this cafe called Beans and Beans. It was really good!! Oh man, the feel of having money and treating others is such a great feeling. It feels really good you know. Especially when it comes to someone you truly love and care about. Provided that I earned that myself la lol. Obviously. But I don't think I would feel the same way if it was with my future boyf/partner wtf. It's just different like that.

INSIDE: Salted Caramel Dark Chocolate cookies, a variation of butter biscuits and a fan lol

The top cover of the box.

What else would I have to update you on...well today I went to collect my IELTS results in KL. Bloody KL. Took me like an hour and half for the whole journey. Wished I could have hung out there longer? But I was about to go broke. I really do not need to spend any more money. Exceptions would come for food though. What I love are juices. So refreshing and healthy. Next, would be on clothing. Recently this month or a collective from last month, I have gotten a few new skincare products which are, two Maybelline Colored lipbalms. I love them man!! It doesn't make my lips feel dry at all! I think this is totally worth the buy not that it was expensive lol. Next, a toner, lotion, night cream, lip liner, face wash. Uhm yeah, that's about it. It feels like I have spent ALOT. And what I really need is contact lens solution, new fancy glasses and a proper handbag. That's about it. Ciao! 

Pop the pimple

My face has been breaking out so much :( there are like pimples, zits and my pores that look more visible, which sucks. I just figured that I don't drink as much water as I have last time, so I really gotta invest in a nice bottle. Haih. Drinking jasmine tea after some nice yong tau foo dinner. Very thankful and blessed to have a roof over my head and for my loving caring family providing me with comfort and food. I just wish for all of us to live happily in the best of health and safety at all times. So yeah, a lot of things have happened. For an example, I just sat for my IELTS speaking test, I would just say it was OK. I did my best. Man, did I try to rack my brain to find the right things to say. The questions I got were tough, especially the second part, like what is the most difficult decision you had to make and what was the outcome of that. And like what do you think of the past lifestyles compared to now? What are the everyday choices adults and children have to make, and what are the differences. What the flying fly. Well. She wasn't very friendly or open either. Was probably dying to go to the loo because right after I went out the door there she was, I wanna take a break. Honestly, I do not blame her but damn it was so intense. I just hope I get a score above 6. At least. 

Went out with Jess last week, it was so impromptu and fun. We went to Midvalley and basically chill around. I was so broke that she actually spent the whole day for me which was pretty sweet of her. I owe her RM20 lol. Anyway, we had KFC because I had to save and that was the only fast food outlet open ( but we kinda forgot there was a McD outlet on the top floor) so we just chat all the way, catching up on the news. It was so good really. Had froyo from Llao Llao for the first time, I don't get the hype of it. Seriously. But oh well, she liked it so I had to try it. Like c'mon, there were so many people snapchatting about it I thought it'd be as good as McD's vanilla ice cream. But yeah, pretty good day filled with laughter and nonsense. Will be seeing her soon because I have to return the IELTS book to her after I am done with my exams. Wish me luck. I need it like seriously. Tomorrow I gotta hardcore revise without any distractions.

Hehe

Probably one of the most epic moments of our friendship <3 

Moving on to one of the most satisfying achievements of my life. I baked an actual birthday cake. An actual order, omg. I am so thankful to be able to get this opportunity because it really strike my passion in baking more desserts. To see the end result is just perfect. And I would say this is very successful, my whole family enjoyed it. My client who is actually my senior teacher, Ms. Lily, said it was good. I am so pleased. Especially when this is like my first time!!

The Best Chocolate Cake Ever with buttercream frosting with colorful dinosaur sprinkles and oreos.

Here is the complete lookbook for the cake ahahaah, I am so glad :')