Hands Down

I cried just now. These tears just seem to come down so naturally. I guess it has been awhile since I have cried, so it is okay. I was alone in my room and all of a sudden I get such horrible thoughts bout the past and my current situation. I feel like I have fucked up big time. Or is it just the people around me making me feel like I have done something so completely wrong. Up till today, I'm still trying to convince myself to let go of dietetics with nutrition. Looking up and researching more into it, I feel that it is a little lifeless. I would not be able to further to go anywhere because it is indeed tough. To maintain a license over the years and take the regulatory exams? Not forgetting to mention the internship. Even though, I had the lovely opportunity to bond with my dear colleagues over the weekend with some cake and juice at Just Heavenly @ BSC, I know that I should just believe in myself that I will be able to do it. I have been doing that all this while. I really don't want to have to rethink about my actions about the night before my Human Physiology exam. I just know that I had the wrong study method. It just didn't apply to me when I did the questions in EOS. However, I know for sure that for the other three papers, I kicked ass. Look, I may not be an excellent naturally born smart science stream student but I struggled and strive for it. I fucking went through SPM. I went through FiS. The results really show that I worked hard. Like really really hard even though it was not great but it was better. Yeah, I may have disappointed many. I may have been looked down on but I never gave up. I tried. There were many times where I have felt so low in the darkest hour. I question myself why am I here. What did I do to deserve this. But it is really all on me. I don't blame anyone. I just want to move on and just live.

Anyway, I cried because I just felt down. Not that any of my past memories triggered me, I was simply just listening to some songs and it just made me think about my current situation. What can I do to make it better? All I want right now is success. With success I need money so I want to be able to give it my all to be the best assistant educator or teacher per say to my students. Maybe to be able to get another part time job. I guess tomorrow I will go job hunting. And to revise my IELTS practices. Hah, as I am typing this down, my stomach is giving me the gas and I am sweating so so much. I can't wait to have my long hair back again. I don't feel as confident as I have in the past. Good thing is that I still like my hair color, I don't think I would go for any other since it is in trend somehow. Oh well, having too much of a long hair length is hard to maintain too. All in all, I just want to be happy. I want to beautiful, smart, caring and just someone whom others can look up to. Work has been pretty good so far, I would say that I am enjoying it? In my own way of course, I'm not tired of it. It's like helping out in a way. Everyday is a different challenge. I don't feel proud in a sense that I am boasting that it's such a simple task everyone can do it but no, I feel that it really is different to others. I do love children. I love caring for them and making sure that they understand and do not ever give up. I hope that I have been a help to them, and in making this company and kindergarten grow to be a very successful business. I will be here for the next four years anyway so they have been really lovely and welcoming to me. Thankfully, I have Niki there with me. That is all, hope that with time, I will look back on this post and lmao. Much love as always. Sometimes I wish I didn't have such a soft and kind heart, I don't want to ever change. Because...I love myself just the way I am today. You have no idea how much I have changed. And it makes me somehow a lil proud that I have come this far. Writing this down tears me up. I will be okay. Thanks again.