Used to it

Every single time I get infuriated just by the slightest comment, it just changes the entire aura. I don't understand why that it is okay if my siblings are allowed to get away with it but not me. Yeah sure I have done alot of fucked up shit in the past, but what stays in the heart as a scar or broken vessel, why can't it be healed. I need to move on. I'm still trying to forget if you need to know. It honestly breaks my heart to see that I am the cause of all of this. It's not normal, I know. But I can no longer be lectured this way. I'm such a fucking sensitive and emotional person. I hate that at times I have to just break down and cry it all out. It helps me sleep and wipe away the guilt. I just can never let myself get used to this. It's like I have bipolar suicidal disorder. I have talked to someone about how I have felt and what I have experienced in the past, but he said it was just me overthinking. I overthink to the extend of the possibilities of other people's death and mine. Like it was a natural thing. Everytime I think about it, it drives me insane. I can't seem to push it away. It's like I deserve all these negative thoughts in my head. As if I have not done so much fucked up shit already. I have already prayed to God or whoever is listening to me, thanking for my family's safety, health, wealth and safetyness at all times. I seem to have let go of what I believed in. Or thought to have believed in. I don't even expect anymore. I'm not okay. I thought I am. But every single time, this happens, I just don't know how to let it go. I don't know. I'm working on myself but I am just not satisfied. I feel like I will never live up to anyone's expectations or I'd be just someone who is easily given up on. This post was just to make me feel even more like crap. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I'm fucking every shit up but I'm not. I'm just overthinking shit that I don't need to. I want to be okay again. I want to be fine. I cannot handle anymore of this unnessary pain.